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Healing. Wholeness. Self-love. These are three things that I’m sure we both desire to have but how do we get there? It’s all about dealing with the root that is stopping us from getting there. If I can be honest, this blog post hits close to home for me because I am currently working through the roots of abandonment and rejection. So if you are dealing with either of these, please know that you are not alone, sis.
Can we talk about how abandonment and rejection can steal the joy from our lives? But first things first, how do we even know that we struggle with rejection or abandonment? Well, here are a few symptoms...
Always wanting and feeling the need to please people (People pleaser)
You give TOO MUCH in your relationships
Feeling insecure in romantic relationships
You have a need for continual reassurance.
Do any of these things stand out to you? If so, it’s time to tackle that rejection and abandonment! Below, I just wanted to share some helpful tips from a resource that will help us to dig deeper so that we can finally deal with the root of our rejection and Abandonment! Now don’t get me wrong, both have a tendency to pop up in our lives from time to time so this isn’t a one-and-done process but the key is having the tools in our tool belts to deal with them!
How to Walk Out Healing From Rejection & Abandonment
#1: Acknowledge the Beginnings
Explore what is the root cause of your fear of abandonment issues.
SIs, to uncover your trauma—you have to travel back in time. What event or experience can you trace back to when you first felt rejected?
When did the feeling of rejection or abandonment start?
Why did you feel abandoned?
How did this experience affect you?
What was lost?
Tip: Write the answers to these questions down. Find a scripture that speaks God’s truth about you and your situation.
#2: Recognize the signs
Pay attention to when fear comes up in your current relationships.
How do you act when you feel abandoned? Do you become clingy, overly dependent, controlling, possessive, helpless, disengaged, mad, panicky, or withdrawn?
What types of circumstances trigger your fear of rejection? (Is it not getting enough likes on social media, someone turns down your invitation to hang out, someone doesn’t text you back, etc…)
Tip: Write these triggers down. Recognize your patterns and work on breaking them. It is in knowing our triggers that we can take our power back in those moments when feelings of rejection or abandonment try to pop up.
#3: Break your old patterns.
“A critical part of healing is learning how to break this self-sabotaging cycle. Once you recognize you are no longer powerless and you know your worth, you can begin to exercise the power of choice, set healthy boundaries, and have healthy expectations of others”
#4: Stop building a case against yourself. Challenge your negative thinking process.
Do you filter people’s words and body language through a negative lens and use it as evidence against yourself?
Are you aware of the frequency with which you accuse yourself of worthlessness?
Sis, we have to remind ourselves that not everyone who comes into our lives wants to leave us. Remember this----“Abandonment is not the measure of your value nor your worth. Focus on rebuilding and restoring your opinion of yourself. A positive self-image will set the course of your life. When you understand your worth, you will feel less threatened by people and more empowered to create the life you want to live. Start to believe that you matter and watch how life blooms around you!!”
#5: Accept the truth of your abandonment or rejection wound. Don’t downplay your pain.
“Show yourself grace and love. Validate the wounds abandonment created in your life. And accept the legitimacy of your pain. I believe that if we truly knew God’s heart, we would know He never dismisses any harm done to us. What you experienced matters to Him!” Talk to Him about it honestly. Let God in, sis.
#Talk back to your feelings of shame
You HAVE to know that struggling with abandonment issues does not make you inadequate or weak. It means you are human and have been deeply hurt
Here are a few examples of how to talk back to your shame: Ask yourself—
Why do I need to feel worthless for being rejected?
Why do I need to feel bad for feeling bad?
Who gave my abandoner authority to determine my value?
How are these feelings serving me?
Shame blocks our healing. So we MUST be intentional to combat any shame that tries to surface in our hearts and minds. Shame is a liar. Shame also keeps us stuck in self-pity and blocks healing. Remember that feelings are NOT facts.
Here’s a great example that was given --- “If your partner forgets to text you and you overreact, ask yourself, “What is this moment revealing about myself? Where are these feelings coming from? What can I learn or change? What do I need? How can I encourage myself? How can I take better care of myself?” Learning to observe, identify, and tolerate your emotions will help you feel less overwhelmed.
#7: Journal your true feelings and pain.
Journal through your thoughts and feelings and more importantly, we have to apply God’s word (I have to do better at this!). I believe that journaling leads us to a sound mind because we can put our deepest thoughts to paper. Getting the words out helps to bring us healing. Abandonment and rejection are both complex issues that require lots of digging and unpacking. A bonus is that journaling will help you to see how far you have come.
Tip: Ask God to show you how to care for yourself. It is SO important for us to treat ourselves kindly. When we give ourselves the necessary grace, it will also be easier for us to pour it onto others.
#8. Pour into your friendships/network
You don’t have to do it alone. You have God first and foremost. But get you a trusted friend or family member that can be by your side through your healing process. And if needed, don’t be afraid to look for a therapist who can help you walk your process out. (I HIGHLY recommend it. It has been SO rewarding and eye-opening for me!!.) There is no shame because your answered prayer may be in the form of therapy.
Sis, Having that solid community of go-to people can boost our self-worth and make us feel like we belong. It can be hard but instead of pushing your inner circle away, invite them closer. Now don’t get me wrong, don’t let everyone in! Just those you trust with your heart and feelings. That sister/friendship bond you have is there for a reason and chances are, they may be going through those same feelings! If you don’t have that trusted tribe, pray that God will give one to you! We were literally built to be in community, not on an island by ourselves.
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So in conclusion sis, please know that when it comes to feelings of rejection and abandonment—God is not pressuring you to “just get over it.” It takes time to heal and evolve. The layers are being peeled back. But remember that God can heal our hearts and minds like nothing or no one else can. He has a way of healing. I’m talking to myself and to you when I say—please, please, please be gentle with yourself❤️. The best thing that we can do in healing from abandonment and rejection is to scoot close to God.
So in addition to the above tips, I wanted to give you scriptures to go along with your healing. Here are a couple of verses for when you feel abandoned or rejected:
Psalm 94:14—The Lord will not reject his people; he will not abandon his special possession.
Psalm 27:10 “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” (NLT)
Romans 15:13—I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Deuteronomy 31:8---“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. ” (ESV)
Luke 12:6-7 “Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”